Friday, September 4, 2009

What is real?

Adoptive parenting can be a sticky situation, especially in the beginning. Every one's emotions are so raw at the get go, and every minute can feel like a defining moment in how your new family is going to play out. Time moves on, life begins to settle down and normal sets in (at least in the privacy of your own home).

I know we've written about it in the past, how we felt as if we were simply glorified babysitters in the beginning. We had rules we had to follow because the boys were still considered wards of the state. Our social worker was making regular visits for the first six months. There was always this feeling that this was temporary. Then one day it hits you... these precious, rag a muffin heads are yours and you are theirs. They will eat you out of house and home, and you will love every minute of it.

Back in May when Bean first starting spending time with us, all we were in the situation was a babysitter. A way for my parents to get some rest, and we loved the time with him. I knew it was temporary, and it would be rare time. Then things changed. We went on vacation and when we returned we started keeping Bean almost full-time, by June it was full time with an odd day or two off because of a visitation obligation. Now we are into September, today is his 5 month birth age (3 1/2 month gestational age)... and the only time he is away from us is a few hours on Monday nights while we are at rehearsal and he is at his visit. What was once babysitting, now has become our life... at least that is how we've come to feel.

Unfortunately it isn't so cut and dry. We aren't the only ones involved, ultimately CPS has to make the final decision... and they have a protocol they must work from. So we are actually in complete limbo, not knowing how much time we have left with him. Sadly it could be two weeks, 2 months, or more... we just don't know. I can't even begin to put into words how deeply torn apart I am by this. He is mine, and I am his. What is real today, may not be the reality of tomorrow.

Go check out Heidi Saxton's thoughts on what is real!


nicole said...

I can't imagine what it must feel like to have completely surrendered yourself to a child, yet not knowing if that surrender will be the source of pain in the future. Y'all are so amazing to wholly give yourselves to Bean for whatever time he is yours. And the love that he is experiencing in your home will stay with him forever, even if he doesn't know it. Peace to you and your family.

La Familia said...

Nichole took the words right out of my mouth. I honor you and I'm praying for you daily.

Stephanie said...

I hope you get to keep him forever! I bet he loves you guys as much as you love him and knows that he is in good hands with you.