Climbing out on a limb

We set out on a journey 6 1/2 years ago. It wasn't something we took lightly, on the contrary... we prayed, talked, agonized, poured through pamphlets, websites... we so desperately wanted to be parents, we felt the Lord calling us to this life! As an infertile couple, the road to parenthood wasn't a typical story. Our loving embrace along with the Creator did not bring forth our children. Yes, the Creator was there... but we weren't there in that moment (three times over).

This is something that my brain has been trying to comprehend for a while now... history, my family, my ethnicity... their history, family, and ethnicity... and that those are not completely shared like 'normal families'. How do we make it all work?

One thing that our adoption agency really wanted to make sure we did when choosing to adopt trans-racially was to make sure we exposed our children to their full ethnicity... Many ideas where thrown about as to how to do this: living in a diverse community, attending a more heavily African American church/school/barber shop... and so on. All great ideas, on paper, as the saying goes! We already had a home, so moving really wasn't a viable option (although I would have to say that our street is pretty diverse just by happen stance), we attend the church that is in our parish, and I cut the boys hair at home (the cost of getting three sets of hair cuts every 4 weeks... you do the math!). Plus the boys were so young, and bi-racial, that up until recently we really didn't feel the need to do more than what we have. We have friends of varying races, it's just that the adults aren't black (one of the adoption groups is a trans-racial group, so they are around other kids who look like them and are adopted... double points, right?).

Well... that brings us to now... 6 1/2 years into this journey of raising our sons with a rooted identity, and an understanding as to where they came from! We knew the time would come when it would be important to investigate a community that was more African American... to surround them with children and adults who shared that part of their duel race. Daddio and I, over the years, had put together some thoughts... ideas... but it wasn't until the last few weeks that my mother's heart said it was time. I had already started noticing signs that one of our boys had become increasingly sensitive about himself... it was time to climb out on to the newest branch of the tree we planted so many years ago!

Many years ago we saw a show, I think it was called Divine Renovation (or something), where they went into a church in our diocese and re-did the baptismal font. It just so happened that it was a predominantly African American parish (trust me the Holy Spirit knows what he's doing!). Over the years when Daddio and I've discussed where we might go, this church would come up. Then a few weeks (months maybe even) our diocese newspaper had an article about the Bishop saying mass at that particular parish in honor of their anniversary... again Daddio and I made a mental note!

Two weeks ago at dinner, I brought up my concerns to Daddio about our son... and we decided that it was time to take the next step in the journey. We were out of town the following weekend, but agreed that within the next few weeks we should make good on the conversation and attend this church.

Sunday morning, when I'm in an allergy fog, Daddio tells me that we needed to get moving in order to attend the 10am Mass at Our Mother of Mercy... WHAT? I hadn't had time to prepare, psych myself up, freak out, panic, calm down... all the things I need to go through before I do ANYTHING NEW! In all honesty, the element of surprise generally is better for me than anything else because of the aforementioned litany!

It was a fairly quiet car ride (20 miles from our home). I was nervous! I realize that might sound silly to some, but I was worried how we might be perceived. Would we be welcomed? Would the stares be too much... I mean we are used to staring, but there is staring, and then there is STARING! How much would Daddio and I stand out? How would the boys react to what we might see and hear? Would the Mass be familiar or uncomfortable? Would the priest be approachable?

As we drove into the parking lot, one of the boys immediately noticed the Mary and Jesus statue that were black. "They look like us, and not you, " I believe was the statement (or there about). There was definitely a twinkle in their eyes as we approached the front doors. A few people were chatting out in front, and eagerly offered a handshake and a welcome. Once inside several people introduced themselves and an overwhelming since of love and familial connection enveloped us. Alright... things were going well so far! We had about 5 minutes till Mass was to start, so the five of us sat down and took in the cute little church. Our parish is huge... no HUGE!!!! This was tiny in comparison, but it was really nice. Recently renovated, it had old charm... but new pews and the most comfortable kneelers (and having a really painful knee, it was much appreciated).

What we didn't know about this particular Mass was that it was, for lack of a better term, the Gospel Mass... and that it would last 2 1/2 hours... I would have worn much more sensible shoes had I known that!!!! It was a LOT to take in for the first time. I should note here that both Daddio and I spent most of our childhood attending a rather charismatic Catholic Church, but OMM was much more... and the boys had never been to a Mass that resembled anything like this... many times I looked down at them and there was a since of overload/overwhelmed staring back at me from their eyes. Well, all but Snooker... he was in his element apparently! At one point during the homily the priest walked over and point blank asked him "who are our enemies", his reply "friends who become our enemy"... which turns out to be the TRUTH... check Sirach 6: 5-10... that was exactly what the priest was looking for (by the way, I've always known that Snooker was special... I just didn't know he could quote scripture so well!). And while our sweet Snooker can't clap on beat to save his life, that certainly didn't stop him from trying with every song that was played (and there were many).

After Mass, we headed out for lunch... and had time to digest the morning. So here are some conclusions we made and are continuing to glean from this experience:

It was a positive experience. Everyone was more than welcoming. Bobcat even said that is was almost like they already knew us... referring to the boys in particular as "little brother". With it begin such a small parish, there is a real opportunity to actually get to know people. Although the charismatic nature is not my all time favorite, I never felt out of place not having my hands held high or not knowing the words to all of the songs. While Daddio and I are white, that seemed to be the only real difference...

And the overwhelming conclusion... we want to be a part of this parish. We think it will be a great opportunity for our boys especially... but there is so much there for Daddio and me, too! Application wise, we will probably split our time between our home parish and OMM, but will look for opportunities be involved that go beyond Sunday Mass.

As parents, we will do whatever we need to for our children. We felt the Lord calling us out, calling for us to stretch ourselves for their sake... I knew He would catch us, should we fall... thankfully all we needed was a steady hand as we stepped out.

A link or two:

Why I Love My Ugly Little Liturgy

In A Word

I forget

Yesterday we had the privilege of attending an Adoption/Foster Care conference (our third year to attend this great ministry). I truly love going to this once a year... it is the shot in the arm you need each year to remind yourself of the family that God has called you into... not only do you get the reminder, but you learn about new techniques to help in the parenting process, new books exploring the life of an adoptive family/adoptee/race-trans racial adoption... many wonderful things to help you in this journey!

You might be asking yourself why do I need a reminder... "I mean look at your family photos all over your home, can't you see that you are clearly an adoptive family?!" No I don't forget how our family came together, what I do forget is where my children came from... I stop seeing them as children who've come from a hard place, I see them as my children... I see them as normal, our normal (which is not really normal for most people). This conference reminds me that my children didn't come from a loving womb, or where their first years were stable, safe, or secure... Instead I spend my days correcting behaviors, and lose sight of the child(ren).

I forget that I know why my children will act out in certain ways and need a certain response from us... and get angry with our extended family when we are criticized for how we do things... they don't understand... I forget that I should spend time educating them so that they can better support Daddio and me in our efforts and the boys for that matter.

I forget that 6 years really doesn't mean anything to healing the wounds of their past.

I forget to honor their birth parents for choosing life... even though I know about what they did that caused harm to my boys, at least they didn't abort my children! Praise GOD!

Because they rarely bring it up, I forget to ask them how they feel about their adoption, or their race, their birth parents/family... I forget that they may not have the words to ask, I forget that their silence may not be because they aren't interested but maybe because they don't know how or where to go with their thoughts.

I forget to thank God for our infertility... because I don't know if my boys would be my boys had we been able to conceive. And that is pretty painful to admit because for so long I carried MY infertility as such a burden, a punishment, even a curse... clearly our Heavenly Father knows better than I ever could.

So thank you Monroe Family for your adoption story, thank you God for calling them to start up the Tapestry Ministry, and for all the hard work in getting the conference up and running each year!

If you want to know more about the conference please check out these wonderful websites for resources, videoed sessions, and ministry/conference details:

www.empoweredtoconnect.org

www.tapestryconference.com/resources

What is real?

Adoptive parenting can be a sticky situation, especially in the beginning. Every one's emotions are so raw at the get go, and every minute can feel like a defining moment in how your new family is going to play out. Time moves on, life begins to settle down and normal sets in (at least in the privacy of your own home).

I know we've written about it in the past, how we felt as if we were simply glorified babysitters in the beginning. We had rules we had to follow because the boys were still considered wards of the state. Our social worker was making regular visits for the first six months. There was always this feeling that this was temporary. Then one day it hits you... these precious, rag a muffin heads are yours and you are theirs. They will eat you out of house and home, and you will love every minute of it.

Back in May when Bean first starting spending time with us, all we were in the situation was a babysitter. A way for my parents to get some rest, and we loved the time with him. I knew it was temporary, and it would be rare time. Then things changed. We went on vacation and when we returned we started keeping Bean almost full-time, by June it was full time with an odd day or two off because of a visitation obligation. Now we are into September, today is his 5 month birth age (3 1/2 month gestational age)... and the only time he is away from us is a few hours on Monday nights while we are at rehearsal and he is at his visit. What was once babysitting, now has become our life... at least that is how we've come to feel.

Unfortunately it isn't so cut and dry. We aren't the only ones involved, ultimately CPS has to make the final decision... and they have a protocol they must work from. So we are actually in complete limbo, not knowing how much time we have left with him. Sadly it could be two weeks, 2 months, or more... we just don't know. I can't even begin to put into words how deeply torn apart I am by this. He is mine, and I am his. What is real today, may not be the reality of tomorrow.

Go check out Heidi Saxton's thoughts on what is real!

Snowflakes

There is a group or program called "Snowflakes" that promotes adoption of frozen embryos (usually left over and abandoned after being created for the purpose of in vitro fertilization). Many pro-life people supporte the idea of embryo adoptions. Embryos are human persons deserving of dignity and therefore a chance to live. But it's not that simple.

Recently, the Vatican came out with a statement (Dignitatis Personae) addressing this and other modern medical/ethical questions. Here is the pertinent excerpt for embryo adoption:

"The proposal that [frozen] embryos could be put at the disposal of infertile couples as a treatment for infertility is not ethically acceptable for the same reasons which make artificial heterologous procreation illicit as well as any form of surrogate motherhood; this practice would also lead to other problems of a medical, psychological and legal nature.

It has also been proposed, solely in order to allow human beings to be born who are otherwise condemned to destruction, that there could be a form of 'prenatal adoption'. This proposal, praiseworthy with regard to the intention of respecting and defending human life, presents however various problems not dissimilar to those mentioned above."

All things considered, it needs to be recognized that the thousands of abandoned embryos represent a situation of injustice which in fact cannot be resolved. Therefore John Paul II made an “appeal to the conscience of the world’s scientific authorities and in particular to doctors, that the production of human embryos be halted, taking into account that there seems to be no morally licit solution regarding the human destiny of the thousands and thousands of ‘frozen’ embryos which are and remain the subjects of essential rights and should therefore be protected by law as human persons”.

When you read closely, it's not really a closed case, is it? Some people much smarter than me seem to believe it may be possible. The question seems to be: Is it a fertility treatment? Or, is it only done out of love of the abandoned child?

My question is this: How could an infertile couple (like us) claim that we were only doing it out of love? But, would it be fair to exclude infertile couples? (I don't know even know if it would work in our case, just making a point.) The Snowflakes website indicates that their purpose is two-fold: life for the babies, and treating infertility. That seems to be a disqualifier from the Catholic perspective.

Looking back in the document, what are those "reasons which make artificial heterologous procreation illicit as well as any form of surrogate motherhood"?:

With regard to the treatment of infertility, new medical techniques must respect three fundamental goods:

• a) the right to life and to physical integrity of every human being from conception to natural death
• b) the unity of marriage, which means reciprocal respect for the right within marriage to become a father or mother only together with the other spouse
• c) the specifically human values of sexuality which require “that the procreation of a human person be brought about as the fruit of the conjugal act specific to the love between spouses”.

It seems to be that points b and c apply to us.

Again, what is the motivation? Should these embryos be punished for the sins of their parents? The damage has already been done, shouldn't they be saved? Our boys were not brought about as "the fruit of the conjugal act specific to the love between spouses". Their birth parents were unmarried. Obviously the Church supports adoption of children in need of families. Such hopeless phrases, "cannot be resolved", and "no morally licit solution"? Isn't that the Church's job??? To resolve moral questions? Surely there will be more on this.

I have struggled with the idea that we as an infertile couple are not as fully united as regular couples who become pregnant and have babies. There's so much talk in the Catholic world about marital love being both unitive and procreative. That's the basic argument against artificial contraception. It's also the basic argument against homosexual activity. A sad and frustrated infertile couple can't help but feel inferior, maybe even cursed.

Point B above makes it more clear. Your womb, whether it works or not, is not for anyone else to use. She shouldn't use a sperm donor if our infertility was male factor. I should not use a donor egg and surrogate mother to become a father without my wife involved. We can only become parents together.

The fact that our children are adopted does not make us any less united in our love as husband and wife. Our sacramental marriage gave us the graces to raise children together, and as far as I know that applies equally to adopted children. But Snowflakes is more than adoption - it's surrogate motherhood, and as such it violates our marriage covenant.

family planning

Darwin Catholic has an interesting post up about family planning. A couple of them, actually.

We have been unable to conceive, so we obviously enjoy complete control over the size of our family. But we still get the same questions as other people with more than two children.

Q: Are you having any more?
A: Maybe. Probably. Eventually.

Q: Oh, you want girls, right?
A: That would be great, but we wouldn't love boys any less. I'd feel like a eugenicist Nazi by "custom ordering" a girl and refusing to accept a boy. Adoption is not shopping - at least, it shouldn't be.

Q: Your boys have been through so much. Don't they deserve all of your time and attention?
A: Why do you assume they will be neglected if we adopt another? Are our hearts two sizes too small? (Yes, we're grinchy, but we still like babies.) Is our house too small? Would that be a good enough reason to shut God out of our love life, if we were fertile? If not, then how can it be a good enough reason to never adopt again?

Q: Okay, so you're basically amazingly generous freaks who wantsto save all the orphans. Bless your hearts. I know I could never do it. There's a special place in heaven for you, etc., etc., etc.
A: *BARF* Not really. We're not saints. We just wanted a family like everyone else.

These questions can be challenging because while we want to be real and honest about the challenges of parenthood, particularly adoptive parenthood, we feel that performance anxiety that Darwin referred to. If people see your kids climbing over the pews in church and bowling with frozen turkeys in the grocery store and destroying every room of your home, they won't exactly be drawn to consider a more generous and open union.

But for us, these questions are doubly painful because, while fertile people are insulted by the family planning questions, infertile people are both insulted and reminded of their infertility.

Ironic isn't it, that we have the control that the world wants? They take pills and patches and mutilate their bodies to avoid the gift of life. Meanwhile, we are supposed to be totally over it, right? How dare you secretly wish for a pregnancy! I know that for a fertile couple, discerning how many and how often is a challenge, and I'm not saying that we'd throw caution to the wind and have a dozen kids. But we'd like to have the option of being "out of control".

And I assure you that "freedom" is not all it's cracked up to be. Consequences are a big part of what makes the marital act so unifying and satisfying. That is a big challenge for infertile couples. It's something I'm still learning about after eight years of marriage. Early in our marriage, we were told that pregnancy was possible. So we watched, waited, got our hopes up... Hey, maybe that temperature drop was significant! We'd embrace, and then wait and hope. And invariably be disappointed. That hurts both spouses, but especially the wife. Without getting too graphic, it eventually occurred to me (common knowledge to most of you, yet sheer brilliance to me) that there is a reason why women are more receptive at certain times. I had actually developed a sort of "contraceptive mentality". I felt that because there is no danger or consequence to our marital act, there is no reason why I should be denied my marital right. We didn't have the deliberate barrier that contraception puts up. We were giving ourselves as fully as we could. But at the same time, that sensitivity and communication was lacking, especially on my part. I didn't understand what the big deal was. It wasn't her fault, after all. You're not a "failure", don't take it so personally. We'll have a family eventually. Why should I be frustrated and denied?

That is a dangerous path, and I can see how, taken to an extreme, a husband's selfishness and frustration, coupled with a woman's obsessive single-mindedness, leads to divorce. Sex without consequences is never good, especially if you have chosen to construct the barrier yourself.

Drawing straight with crooked lines

Something in Red's recent post struck a chord with me.

"...I think that even the most dedicated of adoptive parents would agree that in a perfect world, children would never be harmed or abandoned or neglected by the very people who ought most to protect them."

How could I not agree with that? However, I've struggled with this issue for some time. My mother is twice married and divorced. Either the first marriage (to my knowledge annulled) should not have occurred and my sister and I should not be here today. Or the second marriage (also, to my knowledge, annulled) should not have have occurred and my "half siblings" (I hate that term, but don't know of an alternative) and step-siblings should not be here. Divorce is objectively evil. And yet, we are here.

Our boys' birth parents were never married. They shouldn't be here. And they have a little sister who remains with her birth father, to the best of our knowledge. She should not be here. (Or maybe she should be -HERE-, with us and her brothers.) But if it had been a foursome, would we have accepted them? (Three seemed like a great fit, but four would have probably turned us away.) They are here.

You could follow these messy trails for generations. Every family is affected. And you can expand it to entire nations and peoples. Slavery was terrible - should there be so many black people in this country? (Let us be sure to blame the African sellers as well as the European and American buyers.) They are here.

Why are we here?

Rick Warren puts it so beautifully:

You are not an accident.

Your birth was no mistake or mishap, and your life is no fluke of nature. Your parents may not have planned you, but God did. He was not at all surprised by your birth. In fact, he expected it.

Long before you were conceived by your parents, you were conceived in the mind of God. It is not fate, nor chance, nor luck, nor coincidence that you are breathing at this very moment. You are alive because God wanted to create you! The Bible says, The LORD will fulfill his purpose for me (Psalm 138:8a NIV).

God prescribed every single detail of your body. He deliberately chose your race, the color of you skin, your hair, and every other feature. He custom-made your body just the way he wanted it. He also determined the natural talents you would possess and the uniqueness of your personality. The Bible says, You know me inside and out, you know every bone in my body; You know exactly how I was made, bit by bit, how I was sculpted from nothing into something (Psalm 139:15 Msg).

Because God made you for a reason, he also decided when you would be born and how long you would live. He planned the days of your life in advance, choosing the exact time of your birth and death. The Bible says, You saw me before I was born and scheduled each day of my life before I began to breathe. Every day was recorded in your Book! (Psalm 139:16 LB).

God also planned where you'd be born and where you'd live for his purpose. Your race and nationality are no accident. God left no detail to chance. He planned it all for his purpose. The Bible says, From one man he made every nation and he determined the times set for them and the exact places where they should live (Acts 17:26 NIV).

Nothing in your life is arbitrary. It's all for a purpose.

Most amazing, God decided how you would be born. Regardless of the circumstances of your birth or who your parents are, God had a plan in creating you. It doesn't matter whether your parents were good, bad, or indifferent. God knew that those two individuals possessed exactly the right genetic makeup to create the custom you he had in mind. They had the DNA God wanted to make you. While there are illegitimate parents, there are no illegitimate children. Many children are unplanned by their parents, but they are not unplanned by God. Gods purpose took into account human error, and even sin.

===
As we celebrated Bobcat's eighth birthday last weekend, I was so thankful for God's mysterious plans. I'm sure you've heard the saying, "God draws straight with crooked lines." I praise God for those darn broken ovaries. Bobcat, I'm so glad that you are here. You are ours. You are loved.

National Adoption Month

“Adopting children, regarding and treating them as one’s own children, means recognizing that the relationship between parents and children is not measured only by genetic standards. Procreative love is first and foremost a gift of self. There is a form of ‘procreation’ which occurs through acceptance, concern and devotion. The resulting relationship is so intimate and enduring that it is in no way inferior to one based on a biological connection. When this is also juridically protected, as it is in adoption, in a family united by the stable bond of marriage, it assures the child that peaceful atmosphere and that paternal and maternal love which he needs for his full human development.”

John Paul II, Letter to Adoptive Families (Sept 5, 2000)

Since this is National Adoption Month, and I've been remise in posting that... I thought I would share this quote from the late, great JPII!

More Snookie Revelations

It's interesting what kids think, right?! Take Snookie for example, after many conversations about adoption he has come to his own conclusions about who and why some people are adopted and why people look a certain way... and he is never shy about announcing his findings for all to hear.

Case in point... Daddio comes back to the car to retell this little gem: Friday, at the allergist they were waiting for his appointment. In walks an African American mom and little girl... Snookie announces something to the effect "Look Dad she's adopted because she is brown." He never took into account that she 'matched' her mom, or that not all 'brown' people are adopted! What Daddio didn't know was that the morning before at breakfast he was asking if girls could be brown like boys!

Funny thing is, this is somewhat of an improvement... he used to not remember that HE was adopted!

Buy a Frosty!

A Good Treat for a Good Cause

This weekend, you can help support Foster Care Adoption just by buying a Frosty! Participating Wendy's will donate 50 cents from every Frosty purchased on June 14 and 15 to the Dave Thomas Foundation for Adoption. Their goal is to raise $1.3 million to support the Foundation and Wendy's Wonderful Kids, which funds full-time adoption recruiters to match parents with waiting children.

Since 2004, Wendy's Wonderful Kids has helped 3,500 children in Foster Care, and more than 500 of those children now have finalized adoptions.

So share a delicious treat with your family, and help children in the U.S. Foster Care system find their own forever families!

The Dave Thomas Foundation for Adoption

Too Much Attention

MommaLlama found this article at Adoptive Families Magazine online:

Too Much Attention, By Marybeth Lambe, M.D.

She has many children of many different races, and she is somewhat perturbed by the frequent attention and compliments that some of them receive, compared to the others. The line that caught my attention was, "Are our darker-skinned children unusually attractive? Or is it possible these compliments mask a subtle racism?"

Very interesting, and I had never quite considered it this way. We really do get a LOT of compliments on the boys. And I always took those compliments as just that - compliments. How nice of them to say something. Thanks, they are beautiful, aren't they! I know, they really are well-behaved today, we're very proud of them. It has occured to me that the attention is frequent and unsolicited, but I assumed that people are just interested in their story. They think it's nice that we've adopted. Maybe they grew up in a time where racism was more prevalent, and it makes them happy to see us doing away with old stereotypes. Maybe it gives them courage to consider inter-racial adoption themselves. We try to assume the best motives in people. I never sensed it as "subtle racism" as the author discusses.

The author notes that her dark-skinned children receive far more attention than her "normal" white kids. That presents a dilemma for all of them - the white kids are jealous, and the brown kids are self conscious and dislike the attention. I wonder if I would feel differently if we had white children as well and noticed a difference in the amount of attention they received.

So far, our boys just love any and all attention. (Maybe a bit too much, as we've discussed previously.) One day Bobcat told us, "Everyone thinks I'm cute!" Maybe one day they'll feel differently, as they get more aware of what makes them different from other people. We have noticed occasionaly some people with just a little too much interest in the boys, to the point of making us uncomfortable. (Especially MommaLlama - her feminine intuition is pretty good, I've learned to trust it.) But I bet every parent has felt that way about another adult at a playground or someplace. Something just raises a flag inside and you watch your child and that adult a little more closely. You don't want to accuse them of anything obscene, but you feel protective all of a sudden. You wonder if your guardian angels are telling you to stay on alert.

So I'm going to think on this a little more. I don't want to be naive. I want to see things from every angle and be able to understand how our boys see the world. I don't want to pretend that there is no racism. But I expected racism to be negative, as in ignoring us, refusal to make eye contact, or even outright rude comments. I would not have expected it in the form of false compliments.

Anyone else have any thoughts on the matter?

Families like mine

On Saturday we spent the afternoon with a new and great adoption group, Families Like Us! What was so cool, wonderful, encouraging, relaxing, and fun about this group had to do with the fact that we all looked similar... Transracial Adoption. The children ranged from african american to bi/multi racial... all shades of brown. It was BEAUTIFUL. Nearly all the children there happened to be boys, and all around the same ages... which was really a happy coincidence. The parents shared their stories while the children ran and played.

Out of our three, Bobcat really recognized the fact that the children were brown and parents were white (which he said something to the effect "I know why the boys were all brown and the parents were white, it's because we were all adopted"), and he thought that was so cool... so cool that in this group we were all the same... NORMAL if you will!

I can't wait to do more things with this group, I really enjoyed the feeling of being ordinary within the group! It was definitely a chance to recharge before going back out into the world where we are different.

Joy in the firsts!

As an adoptive mom, so many times I regret not being there for the boys' firsts... their first breath, their first cry, their first words, and the list goes on...

But with the choice of homeschooling, I've been there for many more firsts... firsts that I helped create! Today was one of those firsts... MULTIPLICATION!

Bobcat started working on multiplication... and he did his first problems today and managed to understand it! Yippeeeeeee!

A Step or Two

Another beautiful song came across on the iPod randomizer. I love rediscovering music that we bought in high school and haven't heard in a long time. This one is Michael W. Smith, "What Are You Waiting For". Here are the lyrics:


I walked this road so very long ago,
to show the way so you would know.
I walked the road with holes in my hands and feet,
to make the way. Come follow me.

No you are not alone, you will be free indeed.
The journey begins and ends with me.
One million miles, it starts with a step or two.
What are you waiting for? I'm waiting for you.

You run the race, thinking you've almost won,
Then you may find you've only begun.
You're on the road thinking you're far from here
And suddenly find, you're very near.


No you are not alone, you will be free indeed.
The journey begins and ends with me.
One million miles, it starts with a step or two.
What are you waiting for? I'm waiting for you.


This was just the song I needed to hear. I have a big account to work on today. Lots of little steps, it's a bit overwhelming to even get started. I've already had two coffee breaks, trying to put it off. Time to dig in.


Also, I hope we can use this song at some point in our work with prospective adoptive families, and prospective homeschoolers. It's a much gentler way to present our core message which is, essentially, "Quit whining and just do it!" Take a leap, folks. God will catch you.


To MommaLlama - I'm so glad we took the first step. Some days it feels like we're far from home. Some days it feels like we haven't gone very far at all. We definitely have a lot more steps to go, but we'll make it. I love you.

"Issues"?...

Bob has posted an update on one of their foster children, affectionately nicknamed Linebacker Dude. One line that he wrote caught my attention, regarding the way their boy has trouble with appropriate emotional responses. He apparently tends to observe what other people are doing and then "copies" them.

That got me thinking about our boys, and wondering to what extent they display that as well. As an example, our youngest (Snookie) thought he was afraid of dogs for a few weeks when they first came home to us. He had never met a dog or had a bad experience with a dog. But the oldest one (Bobcat) was absolutely, irrationally, obsessively terrified. Occasionally, Snookie would be laughing and playing with a dog, and then when Bobcat came around the corner and began to shriek, Snookie would cry too. Weird.

Above is a very early picture of the boys in the back yard. As you can see, Snookie is going under to pet the dog, Bubba is having a look (from a safe distance, but fairly brave), and Bobcat is very unhappy that we let them out at all. We wondered how to deal with that fear, how long to allow it, when to force him to confront it, just trying to find that right balance. One day in week five or six, I simply let the dogs out of their kennels and told the boys, "I promise they will not hurt you. You can stay on the couch as long as you want to." Snookie was the first to come down. They all got over it pretty quickly.

To this day (three years and seven months) we see things now and then, and we just aren't sure what to make of it. Whether it be irrational fears, over-reactions to minor stress (play time is over, breakfast isn't ready yet, time to go to church, other scheduling conflicts), or stubborn refusals to do school work. There are many displays of overly affectionate and precocious behavior around other adults. Baby talk, wanting to be held, to touch other people's faces and hair, to ask too-personal questions, to share personal details of their own. We struggle with boundaries sometimes - kisses are for family, hugs are for friends, handshakes are for strangers. It doesn't help that they are small for their ages. You would not attempt to pick up a normal-sized seven-year-old, but a tiny, cute, well-behaved one is somehow irresistable... Even some of our extended family members find these inappropriate behaviors cute and encourage them.

And we wonder, whatever we're seeing at that time, is it an attachment issue? An "adopted thing"? A "homeschooled thing"? Is it something WE are doing wrong? We try not to over-analyze and over-protect, but we want to make sure we are doing the right things. Then sometimes we talk to friends whose perfectly healthy and normal biological children have some of the same issues, and we wonder if our boys are just normal too? ML and I disagree occasionally about what is normal - shy or precocious child-like behavior - and what ought to be corrected. What is a reasonable expectation? We've learned to discuss these things calmly and patiently (at least we're trying). We wonder, do we just not know what "normal" is because we didn't know them from the beginning? Never had a baby, watched him grow, bonded with him from the womb, learned what makes him tick, what comforts him, how to read his nonverbal cues...

So, how should we, or any parents, deal with these questions and fears?

Number one is to trust our instincts. I believe that if you remain in a state of grace, then your "instincts" and your "conscience" are really the Holy Spirit's and your guardian angels' way of guiding you. So do what feels right, it probably is. The grace received through the sacrament of matrimony is special and powerful and sufficient for the raising of the children that God sends you.

Number two is to anticipate and even embrace "abnormal" behaviors when they show up. We expect them to regress a bit from time to time, and then take that opportunity to nurture and comfort and heal and bond with them. To refill their "love tanks", so to speak. I teased my wife's cousin about that notion a few years ago, but in retrospect, I think there's something to it. There are needs that they had unfulfilled early in life, and we should be happy that they are looking to use for satisfaction. It strengthens our bond. And they do get more confident and happy every day, and in turn so do we.

And finally, number three, we've decided that despite all of the stress and anxiety and wondering, we are going to make the most of the time that we have. They are growing so fast, and life is too short to obsess about whether everything is perfect. Just be together. Steve Wood of http://www.dads.org/ writes that love is a four-letter word spelled T-I-M-E. So whether we are on some weekend adventure, or just puttering around the house, being together is what the boys want the most. You don't even have to engage them all the time, just be in the same room while you read or write or sew. You're a comforting presence. And they'll ask you where you went if you leave, and they will come and find you, so you might as well hang out with them! I think foster/adoptive, even biological parents need to do their due dillegence and read up, study, investigate, even seek professional help when necessary. Try to understand what you are up against. But in the end, don't cling to those theories so tightly that you get yourself sick with worry. Just be together, and they will eventually become more and more secure and mature.

Another Anniversary

Three years ago today we got up early, had breakfast and headed off to the courthouse. It was a chilly morning, and honestly we really didn't know what to expect. We arrived and found our lawyer who walked us through what would be happening, and then waited. It seemed like forever having to sit there with the boys... keeping boys entertained and quiet at the same time!

Some adoptive families are able to go to the courthouse and share this day with many other adoptive families, but in the county where we finalized that isn't how they do it. Inside the court room there were no other families waiting to have their names forever joined, instead there were men and women looking to get out of tickets and whatnot. And we weren't the first to go, we had to sit there and listen to a few of these before we were able to walk before the judge and make a public record of our pledge to our new family. The judge pictured here was a lovely woman. One of her first comments was how much she loved finalizing adoptions, and even commented on how handsome the boys looked! The whole event is somewhat of blur, the realization was quite overwhelming... as you can tell even the boys seem a little unsure of what all was happening. And what seemed like a flash it was all over. We had a few pictures taken, and then we were out in the lobby again with our attorney finishing up the details of when we would receive new birth certificates and our copy of the records.

Looking back at the pictures it seems so long ago... most of the time it feels like they have been with us from the beginning... I guess, though, things didn't begin until they came to us!

He predestined us to adoption as sons through Jesus Christ to Himself, according to the kind intention of His will... (Ephesians 1:5)

National Adoption Month

Presidential Proclamation for 2007 National Adoption Month

2007 President's Proclamation
National Adoption Month, 2007

During National Adoption Month, we recognize the adoptive and foster families who have shared their homes and hearts with children in need, and we encourage more Americans to consider adopting young people of all ages.

Families who adopt show the generous spirit of our Nation. Every child desires a permanent home, and when parents adopt a child to love as their own, lives are forever changed. For parents, the decision to adopt a child is among life's greatest and happiest turning points. On November 17, families across the country will celebrate National Adoption Day by finalizing their adoptions, and each one of these homes will be richer for the addition of new family members.

My Administration is committed to promoting adoption of children of all ages. We are working to bring together more children with loving, adoptive parents through the Collaboration to AdoptUsKids at adoptuskids.org and by providing States with financial assistance through the Adoption Incentives Program. The Promoting Safe and Stable Families Program helps improve care and services to children and families and ensure more young people in America have a caring, secure, and permanent home. Together, these efforts are building a brighter future for our youth.

During National Adoption Month, we honor adoptive and foster parents as they raise children of conviction and character. By accepting the gift of these children, parents are helping shape lives and contributing to the strength of our great Nation.

NOW, THEREFORE, I, GEORGE W. BUSH, President of the United States of America, by virtue of the authority vested in me by the Constitution and laws of the United States, do hereby proclaim November 2007 as National Adoption Month. I call upon all Americans to observe this month with appropriate programs and activities to honor adoptive families and to participate in efforts to find permanent homes for waiting children.

IN WITNESS WHEREOF, I have hereunto set my hand this thirty-first day of October, in the year of our Lord two thousand seven, and of the Independence of the United States of America the two hundred and thirty-second.

GEORGE W. BUSH

Oh, and there's more....

NATIONAL ADOPTION DAY 2007 – NOVEMBER 17

ABOUT NATIONAL ADOPTION DAY
National Adoption Day is a collective national effort to raise awareness of the 114,000 children in foster care waiting to find permanent, loving families. For the last eight years, National Adoption Day has made the dreams of thousands of children come true by working with courts, judges, attorneys, adoption professionals, child welfare agencies and advocates to finalize adoptions and find permanent, loving homes for children in foster care.

National Adoption Day is celebrated every year on the Saturday before Thanksgiving. For the first time in 2006, National Adoption Day was celebrated in all 50 states, the District of Columbia and Puerto Rico. In total, more than 250 events were held throughout the country to finalize the adoptions of more than 3,300 children in foster care, and to celebrate all families who adopt.

Looking ahead

In November we will be attending what looks like a really great adoption conference called Tapestry Adoption & Foster Care Fall Conference.

They have an interesting line-up of presenters, and really good topics for the talks.

It's been just a year since our last adoption conference. That one focused mainly on the marriage relationship post-adoption... and if you're in that situation you know the added stress that it can cause. While the conference itself was interesting, what was really neat was to be surrounded by couples that have done the same thing or similar to us. It's really something when the first thing out of the other person's mouth is not 'you must have your hands full', but 'our first adopt was a sibling group as well'. And we were pleastantly surprised with several couples who homeschool as well.

Anyways... back to this year's event... I'm super stoked... I found a sitter for the boys, and Daddio and I have the whole day to network with other families and enjoy some great presentations.

Fears and Anxiety

Heidi Saxton, over at Mommy Monsters Inc., has written a great piece on post adoption for moms: When Mom's Grieve: The Dark Side of Adoption

This is something that I have struggled with... like anything, you have good days and bad. And in one article it talks about the fact that it can become compounded with you through struggles with infertility... or anything else really that is demanding of you emotionally or physically.

#6 Question adoptive parents hear

Q: How much did they cost?

A1: How about I ask how much it cost you or your insurance to birth your child. Or, how much money did you make last you… do you have any credit card debt, how often do you have sex?

A2: Well, he's bigger so it cost a little more, but we got a steal on the little one.

A3: It was buy two get one free that week, so it turned out to be more affordable than we thought.

A4: (Smile politely) We used a not for profit agency, and the attorney charged reasonable fees for the paperwork.

Again, this is a real life question we get (regularly)... notice the bold word... this is the actual statement. Now just think for a few moments about how this could be worded slightly different and would be less offensive to the parent (and child standing there). The they, that is being referred to is not the agency... the reference is to the child[ren]... they cost nothing, what I'm paying for is the labor in order to adopt them... the social worker's time, the attorney's time, the court's time.

#4-5 Questions Adoptive parents hear...

These are specific questions that Daddio and I have been asked... but I've heard variations from others with similar family structures!

4. Q: Where did you get them?
A1: Um, what? Like what store… are you kidding me?
A2: All three were born in Texas.
A3: (if I have time, and am feeling generous with it) We chose to use an adoption agency that works with the state in placing children that are currently in the foster care system.

5. Q: What are they?
A1: Turns out that the blood work came back 'children', 'boys' to be specific... but I have my doubts. Science isn't perfect, and the lab tech looked shifty.
A2: They happen to be bi-racial.

Again, nothing is particularly cruel with these questions, just that generally if the adoptive parents wants to tell you they will, and you don't need to ask. Also, most (99%) come from the grocery checker, store clerk, or random person I'm passing with the brood and I don't know them... and in turn they don't know me.

We've met people out and about with children that appear to be adopted, or maybe in foster care... and generally you can tell by the mom's (or if both parents are there) demeanor if she has time to talk. My only comment is "beautiful child(ren)". Trust me, the mom will usually reply in two ways (generally): "thank you", and if she is feeling especially generous "thanks, we are so blessed to have them... we adopted.... blah blah blah".

The moral of the story, if an adoptive parent wants to talk about it they will... you don't need to try and play 20 questions.