Q: How much did they cost?
A1: How about I ask how much it cost you or your insurance to birth your child. Or, how much money did you make last you… do you have any credit card debt, how often do you have sex?
A2: Well, he's bigger so it cost a little more, but we got a steal on the little one.
A3: It was buy two get one free that week, so it turned out to be more affordable than we thought.
A4: (Smile politely) We used a not for profit agency, and the attorney charged reasonable fees for the paperwork.
Again, this is a real life question we get (regularly)... notice the bold word... this is the actual statement. Now just think for a few moments about how this could be worded slightly different and would be less offensive to the parent (and child standing there). The they, that is being referred to is not the agency... the reference is to the child[ren]... they cost nothing, what I'm paying for is the labor in order to adopt them... the social worker's time, the attorney's time, the court's time.
Showing posts with label 101 Stupid Adoption Questions. Show all posts
Showing posts with label 101 Stupid Adoption Questions. Show all posts
Wednesday, August 29, 2007
Thursday, August 23, 2007
#4-5 Questions Adoptive parents hear...
These are specific questions that Daddio and I have been asked... but I've heard variations from others with similar family structures!
4. Q: Where did you get them?
A1: Um, what? Like what store… are you kidding me?
A2: All three were born in Texas.
A3: (if I have time, and am feeling generous with it) We chose to use an adoption agency that works with the state in placing children that are currently in the foster care system.
5. Q: What are they?
A1: Turns out that the blood work came back 'children', 'boys' to be specific... but I have my doubts. Science isn't perfect, and the lab tech looked shifty.
A2: They happen to be bi-racial.
Again, nothing is particularly cruel with these questions, just that generally if the adoptive parents wants to tell you they will, and you don't need to ask. Also, most (99%) come from the grocery checker, store clerk, or random person I'm passing with the brood and I don't know them... and in turn they don't know me.
We've met people out and about with children that appear to be adopted, or maybe in foster care... and generally you can tell by the mom's (or if both parents are there) demeanor if she has time to talk. My only comment is "beautiful child(ren)". Trust me, the mom will usually reply in two ways (generally): "thank you", and if she is feeling especially generous "thanks, we are so blessed to have them... we adopted.... blah blah blah".
The moral of the story, if an adoptive parent wants to talk about it they will... you don't need to try and play 20 questions.
4. Q: Where did you get them?
A1: Um, what? Like what store… are you kidding me?
A2: All three were born in Texas.
A3: (if I have time, and am feeling generous with it) We chose to use an adoption agency that works with the state in placing children that are currently in the foster care system.
5. Q: What are they?
A1: Turns out that the blood work came back 'children', 'boys' to be specific... but I have my doubts. Science isn't perfect, and the lab tech looked shifty.
A2: They happen to be bi-racial.
Again, nothing is particularly cruel with these questions, just that generally if the adoptive parents wants to tell you they will, and you don't need to ask. Also, most (99%) come from the grocery checker, store clerk, or random person I'm passing with the brood and I don't know them... and in turn they don't know me.
We've met people out and about with children that appear to be adopted, or maybe in foster care... and generally you can tell by the mom's (or if both parents are there) demeanor if she has time to talk. My only comment is "beautiful child(ren)". Trust me, the mom will usually reply in two ways (generally): "thank you", and if she is feeling especially generous "thanks, we are so blessed to have them... we adopted.... blah blah blah".
The moral of the story, if an adoptive parent wants to talk about it they will... you don't need to try and play 20 questions.
Friday, August 10, 2007
#3 -- The Term "Adoption"
Continuing the series of what to say or not to say to adoptive and infertile couples, I would like to discuss the appropriate usage of the term adoption. This is a post I wrote about a year ago, and am now reposting here:
Why is it that so many charitable causes use the term adoption? It is really starting to tick me off. For example, Adopt a Highway campaigns should be called volunteering. And adopting pets... that is buying. Or rescuing if you prefer. We have a rescue puppy, we are sympathetic to that cause. But it's not adoption. And you surely don't adopt whales, seals, eagles, vultures, elephants, or zoos... you sponsor them!
This is a soapbox that I won't soon get off of. People may not realize that improper use of the term adoption truly belittles my children who are REALLY ADOPTED. Please make an effort to use this term appropriately. And if you want to adopt something, adopt CHILDREN!
Why is it that so many charitable causes use the term adoption? It is really starting to tick me off. For example, Adopt a Highway campaigns should be called volunteering. And adopting pets... that is buying. Or rescuing if you prefer. We have a rescue puppy, we are sympathetic to that cause. But it's not adoption. And you surely don't adopt whales, seals, eagles, vultures, elephants, or zoos... you sponsor them!
This is a soapbox that I won't soon get off of. People may not realize that improper use of the term adoption truly belittles my children who are REALLY ADOPTED. Please make an effort to use this term appropriately. And if you want to adopt something, adopt CHILDREN!
Thursday, July 26, 2007
#1-2 for Parents through adoption
A few weeks ago I promised to write a post (or several) on silly questions to avoid with parents of adopted children, and questions not to ask a couple struggling with infertility. I've decided to do these in a series of posts... cause there are just too many on each topic to try to fit all in one. So here a few for the adoption side!
For each question I will give two answers... the one that usually stays in my head (but does escape sometimes), and the one that I have used (or have heard others use in the same situation). These are not made up questions, but actual questions we have been asked!
1. Did you try to have your own kids first?
--Based on what we saw in movies and on TV, we decided that whole thing looked way to messy and complicated, so we decided to take the easy route!
--Due to infertility, adoption was best choice for us in growing our family.
This seems like a nice enough question, and most adopted families would not take offense... but this question implies that adopted children are not our OWN... and there are families out there that are very sensitive to this issue. Not only that, but if asked in the presence of the children, this can cause questions in their minds (depending on their ages).
On to a similar question.
2. So are you planning on having any kids of your own?
--Wait, did my kids suddenly disappear while we were standing here (looks around feet and buggy to see where said children might have gone to)?
--These are my children, and if the Lord choose to bless us with more than we will happily accept.
Again, this question (especially posed in front of the children) supposes that the adopted child[ren] are some how not mine. And while the question seems nice enough, it is a stumbling block that the parents are going to have to explain to their children when the questioner leaves.
For each question I will give two answers... the one that usually stays in my head (but does escape sometimes), and the one that I have used (or have heard others use in the same situation). These are not made up questions, but actual questions we have been asked!
1. Did you try to have your own kids first?
--Based on what we saw in movies and on TV, we decided that whole thing looked way to messy and complicated, so we decided to take the easy route!
--Due to infertility, adoption was best choice for us in growing our family.
This seems like a nice enough question, and most adopted families would not take offense... but this question implies that adopted children are not our OWN... and there are families out there that are very sensitive to this issue. Not only that, but if asked in the presence of the children, this can cause questions in their minds (depending on their ages).
On to a similar question.
2. So are you planning on having any kids of your own?
--Wait, did my kids suddenly disappear while we were standing here (looks around feet and buggy to see where said children might have gone to)?
--These are my children, and if the Lord choose to bless us with more than we will happily accept.
Again, this question (especially posed in front of the children) supposes that the adopted child[ren] are some how not mine. And while the question seems nice enough, it is a stumbling block that the parents are going to have to explain to their children when the questioner leaves.
Monday, November 6, 2006
Some People
Okay, so I had to go to the store to pick up more meds for our trip tomorrow (sidenote... cold medicine is outragously expensive), and I got a comment I get regularly...
I'm standing in the check out line, and a man came up behind me (40ish) and was kind of smiling at the boys and they were being chatty to me commenting on gum, candy and magazines. The man asked if they were trip's, and for the 1 billionth time I said smiled and said no. Then he kept on, which one is in school... so I pointed to Spiderboy and said 1st, and Bubbay kinder. And as usual he (the man) commented that they looked too young... 'yes, they look young' but that is because they are so small. He continued, "they must be close together", "yep, about a year apart"... and the line I hear all TOO OFTEN "YOU KNOW HOW THAT HAPPENS DON'T YOU".
Wow Captain America, yes I'm perfectly aware of how it happens... of course it doesn't happen to ME, for me it happens thru paperwork, waiting, interviews, meetings, more waiting, social workers, and COURT. Of course all I did was smile and nod... my usual response when I don't have time educate!
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