Thursday, September 24, 2009

A gift and an ending

It all started the first week of May. He came to stay the weekend with us... giving my parents a little break. He was so tiny, when this was taken (on May 8th) he still should have been in the womb for at least one more week), but due to circumstances outside of his control he had already spent a month in NICU. That weekend, we had no idea how much time we were going to spend with him. Heck, Daddio was a little shocked when I brought him home that day... not really sure how to react to the whole situation. We figured that we would have him every now and again when my parents would need a few days to recharge their batteries. Little did we know that starting in June we would have him full time with just an occasional overnight with other family members.

It didn't take long for him to feel less like a nephew and more like a son... and that is definitely how we treated him. I held nothing back (I will speak for myself... I will let Daddio write on his own feelings if he so chooses). I wanted him to know that he was loved no matter what, that the circumstances of his conception and birth had nothing to do with who he was/is. I wanted to gain his trust, and allow him to form a healthy attachment. Those who live in the foster/adoption world know just how fundamental that is and what can result if it isn't there.

Today is a very sad day for me. Today I had to say goodbye to my time with Bean. Today the court system decided the send him (and his brother) back to his deadbeat father. I knew he probably wouldn't get to stay with us forever, although I did pray that Our Dear Lord would make it so. Today I had to pack up all of his belongings, and all the special things that we shared together. Today I had to pack him up in his carseat and watch him leave. I wasn't prepared. I knew there was a chance that it would be today, but I believed that this was not our ending.

This morning as the boys did their school work, Bean played on the floor... and as he played I grabbed the camera knowing that these would be the last shots I would take of his time with me. And as if to give me one more gift... he rolled over... completely unassisted... 3 times. I was able to capture one of them with the camera, and am so grateful to have these images.

Every moment he spent with us was a true gift... a gift that I never took lightly. Every second I spent with him brought with it an amazing feeling. In a sense I feel like this time we had, healed part of my soul that was broken because of my own boys past... a past that I could not protect them from. These few months I've spent having such unbelievable gratitude for those who were there for my boys when things reached the breaking point. I was hoping to be a part of more of Bean's 'firsts', to actually see those little teeth that he is working so hard at growing, hear him call for me by name, sitting on his own, crawling... heck I thought I might be there for first steps. While it breaks my heart that these were not meant to be spent with me, I know I saw first hand something much more important... special time... that time in the middle of night when it was just the two of us, those slobbery kisses when he got excited, the dancing twinkle in his eyes when I came into view (or Daddio and the boys), the clinging to me when he didn't feel well or was beyond tired... I was given the chance to love him, and he loved me right back... and that is much more than all the firsts that I won't be a part of.

And while my heart breaks knowing our time together has come to an end, I wouldn't trade any of it even knowing how hard it was to watch him go. No child is actually ever ours, they are a gift from God... we only have them for a short time and then they must go. He was entrusted to my care when I needed him most, when I was once again letting go of a dream. HIS is a perfect plan.

He is my special Bean.


La Familia said...

My heart is breaking for you and your family. I don't think there's ever been a Bean post where I didn't come away crying and this is no exception. I will not stop praying for him and I'm so grateful to God for the time you got to spend with him. Take the time you need to grieve his loss; it's just one more way you can love him even though it hurts. Aside from the marital embrace, nothing is more intimate than suffering and grieving WITH your soulmate and Our Lord. Call me whenever. I love you.

Stephanie said...

I'm so sorry to hear/read this. I know you loved him dearly. I am praying that this works out in the best way possible for both boys and that God will protect them both. I know this is a tough day for you and your DH and you are in my thoughts and prayers.

nicole said...

I'm so sorry. Even if you knew this was coming, I'm still so sorry. You obviously love Bean very much, and the love you gave him will certainly leave an imprint for life. Thanks for posting this today, it is just what I need as I work on getting my will in line with God's will.

justme said...

I'm so sorry this happened. A thousand times over. He'll continue to be in our prayers. You and Daddio, too. Hold tight to those beautiful experiences you all witnessed this summer. We love you all, so much!

Steph B said...

I'm crying after reading this post. Honestly, you are an inspiration to me. I don't think I would have been able to give Bean back. You are so right that your time with Bean has laid a foundation for him so that he can continue to form bonds and give and receive love. Thank you for sharing with us. I will pray for Bean and his brother and their home situation.

The Rhodes' said...

I am so sorry Steph. I pray that God will change his father's heart and that he will have a happy childhood. you were truly an amazing blessing to him no matter how short a period of time you had with him.