More birthday reflections...

I've been thinking of Bobcat a lot around his birthday. And the book I've been reading has me wondering about the extent of long term physical and emotional damage he still has from his first two years of life, and from the transition from foster care to our home. As the oldest, I believe he suffered more than his brothers. He was in the original home the longest and has the most vivid memories of the events that led them to us, and therefore, I assume, the most pain. It breaks my heart to think of him crying and hungry. We don't know of many specific abuses, it was mainly "neglect", but we know he had cigarette burns at least one time ("accidental", of course).

This picture is from Bobcat's first day at home with us. (We didn't have bathing suits for the slip 'n slide, so we used underpants.)

Sometimes I can't believe how far he has come in less than 3 & 1/2 years. He was so scared, cautious, clingy, and delicate. He still carries some of those scars. He's fragile in some ways, physically and emotionally. We're still bonding and filling in the early needs that were not satisfied. He wants to sit in a lap and be snuggled, and to hold hands when we walk. He enjoys any kind of touch.

But he's also confident, energetic, curious, and eager to learn. Always following and watching and asking questions and trying to be like me. (For better or worse...) And like mommy too -certain mannerisms, and they all talk with her mild accent.

But he's also very unique. He is starting to have a real personality, you know. Not just a toddler with certain moods and quirks, but a really individual way of thinking and expressing himself. It's fascinating because it feels like we're getting to know him, who his true person really is.

Coming soon, his first holy communion. I'm definitely going to cry. God is so good. He is healing our son, making him into the person he was meant to me. We're humbled to be a part of that process.

I think I feel more like a "real parent" every week. I always loved them, of course, from the day we heard that we might get them. But it took some time to establish a bond. I try to think of St. Joseph with our Lord as a child. He was a father in every way. He knew that Jesus was really God's son, but he loved him as his own son, and Jesus surely gave him the same affection. I like this excerpt from a well known prayer to St. Joseph:

Oh St. Joseph, I never weary contemplating thee, and Jesus asleep in thine arms. I dare not approach while He reposes near thy heart, but press Him in my name, and kiss his fine head for me, and ask Him to return the kiss when I draw my dying breath.

That's the power of fatherhood, even if by adoption. Bobcat, as you grow up, know that I love you more than I thought possible. I wasn't there for your beginning, but I will be here until the end. When I fail, God Himself will provide for us.