As it gallops beyond

Life is good, right?! I have a great marriage, and great kids... and all in all I'm doing really well.

There is one teeny tiny thing that I have avoided blogging about, avoided thinking to seriously about, just really worked hard to not have it interfer with my life (over the past two years)... fertility (actually lack there of) and pregnancy. But that is becoming exceedingly more difficult. We have several friends right now that are preggo... in all different stages, it seems like every mom who comes down the isle at church is preggo... heck it seems like every where I look I see expanding waistlines of the baby sort.

It is as if it (pregnancy/fertility) is galloping ahead in the beautiful sun... ribbons and banners flowing behind it in glorious color dancing in the wind. And I'm behind it, stretching to reach it. Leaning far beyond my balance point when I realize that the brilliance is not as close as it appears... it is an illusion, just too far to reach. And I sit on my turtle, desperately wanting to follow behind. I can't be mad that it gallops ahead, and it isn't my turtles fault for not being faster or going the right direction... for it is just a turtle doing what it was created to do. (odd story I realize, but that is how I feel right now)

What can I do? I take the medicine that I'm supposed to that won't necessarily help me get pg., but will hopefully make me healthier... all the while making me feel worse than the symptoms of the infertility that I suffer from. It's true, I don't mind the searing pain... it is the feeling of needing to puke all the time that I hate... so with the meds I have the pain and the sick stomach (oh yay).

So what does it boil down too? Me, sitting on my turtle -- playing with my boys, and watching others go thru pregnancies.

Doing my best to smile.