Wednesday, February 24, 2010

Offensive statements

Because we are opinionated and this is our own blog and it's a free country, we present the following statements of fact:

The Beatles kinda sucked. Their voices are whiny and the lyrics are asinine.

Ditto for Taylor Swift. And Miley Cyrus.

If your blog gives the picture of perfect domestic harmony, we know you're lying. Everybody's life is tough. Quit making other people feel bad.

Every private school, college, and university, is overpriced and overrated. Especially religious schools. If you need a school to teach your kids their faith, you are not doing your job as a parent.

Dear Aggies: Stop telling us about your silly traditions. We don't care. I'm glad you have fun down there, but nobody else cares. Seriously. We don't brag about the "Animal Guessing Game" our kids play in the car.

The Animal Guessing Game is awesome. Always pick squirrel. Trust me. (By the way, wombats can't fly.)

That vampire series is stupid.

Medjugorje is fake. If you want a miracle, go to Mass.

If my kid asks why your son has girl hair, he needs a haircut.

Do not use "product" in your son's hair, unless it is picture day.

Talented kids are annoying. Especially the ones that sing.

If your kids don't get upset when it's time for school or bed, something is wrong with them. They're supposed to want to play all day, right?

If you aren't ready to have kids, you aren't ready to be married.

If you aren't ready to be married, you aren't ready to have kids.

Global warming is fake. And even if it's not, I don't care. It's cold.

My Suburban gets 100 passenger-miles-per-gallon. The more kids you fill up the SUV or van with, the smaller your carbon footprint! Suck it, Prius boy.

Nobody cares about your honor roll student. Elementary school is easy.

We don't care what your kids' names are, so don't put those stickers on the back of your car. We don't think you're super creative - we think you just can't spell common names like Ashley and Jackson (with an X - seriously?).

If you are a grown woman, you should not wear short shorts or low rise jeans. Or jeans tighter than spandex. We don't need that level of detail.

Do not let your daughters wear hooker boots. Only hookers should wear hooker boots. That's how we identify them.

They're called Uggs because they are ugly. Not "so ugly they're cute". Just plain ugly. Stop wearing them. Stop it. (The fur trim and tassles don't help.)

Adults should not wear Crocs outside of the house. Decorating them doesn't help.

You should be excommunicated for wearing flip-flops to church.

Do not wear a T-shirt under a suit coat. You look like an idiot. Be a man, wear a tie. (But not with a T-shirt.)

And tuck in that shirt, hippie.

If you have ever bought a "designer" T-shirt , you are a sucker. They deserve your money.

Gaucho pants look terrible on everyone. No exceptions.

Ditto for leggings. Just don't.

Obama is not the anti-Christ. He's just another politician. Don't get so worked up about it.

TV is better than fluffy books because at least you can do the laundry while you watch and listen.

Movies with fast cars and explosions are awesome. Character development is lame. We want characters to get blown up.

(Only the bad guys, of course. And yes, it counts as a "moral lesson" if a bad guy gets what's coming to him.)

Basketball is the best sport ever. Baseball is boring, football players only work once a week, and they almost never score in hockey. MFFL, baby.

Grow up, adult "gamers".

Do not get mad if you marry a "gamer" and he spends all his time playing video games. You should have married a grown-up.

Text apparently is, but should not be, a verb. If it's worth saying, it's worth calling to say it.

Having a blog doesn't make you a Writer. (Evidenced by this very blog.)

Just because you read it on a blog, that doesn't make it true.

Pokemon and Bakugan and whatever other weird cartoons they have now are lame.

Legos rock.

Trains rock too.

Don't argue with argumentative people on the internet. They're not listening, they're just provoking you.

These can be made available as bumper stickers and T-shirts (not for Mass). Because cottage industries are awesome, and we think we should get rich like everyone else who wants to escape their real jobs and sell junk on the internet.

If you disagree with any of these, leave a comment. We won't change our mind, but at least you will have had a chance to argue with someone on the internet today. We're here for you.

*This will be a regular series, if we think of more.


Elizabeth said...

I would love to argue with you about the Taylor Swift comment and texting but I'll save it for a day at the beach. :-) And I agree that I shouldn't wear crocs in public but right now they're the only things under 50 dollars that don't give my feet cramps at the end of the day.

nicole said...

I agree with more than I disagree with, I think. Y'all are funny.

Of course, we can know some things are true (i.e. Taylor Swift lyrics, vampire books) and still enjoy them.

Beaver said...

Ha! Thanks for the laugh.

I've always thought the same thing about Uggs. Why did someone even think that would be a good brand name? And who are the idiots who buy/wear them?

Eli holds to the gaucho comment and is very vocal about it--but he includes that with capri pants of any sort.

Whoever created lowrise pants hated women in general. It's sad that some women can't see to the root of this misogyny and counteract it by covering their midsections up.

And fluffy books can be as good as TV if they're audio books. Just saying. :)

You all have a good weekend!